Paula Abdul: Life Judge

By Christopher Monks

Originally published at CRACKED.COM

When I hired Paula Abdul to be my life judge, I had hoped she’d provide the self-esteem boost I so desperately needed. I figured some positive judging from her would help me get out of my funk and motivate.

Things started off great. Paula moved right into my home, and right away, her kind judging made me feel better about myself. For instance, when my sons complained that the eggs I made for them were runny, Paula Abdul said they didn’t know what they were talking about.

“Your eggs shine, Christopher,” she said. “I could tell that you gave your all to the eggs, and that’s what I like about you—because you give your all and you shine, just like your eggs shine. Way to go, Christopher! Way to go!”

Nobody had ever told me that I shined before. I felt awesome.

“Thanks, Paula Abdul,” I said. “That means a lot.”

“My pleasure,” she replied. “You have any donuts?”

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