Monday, March 19, 2007

Paula Abdul: Life Judge

By Christopher Monks

Originally published at CRACKED.COM

When I hired Paula Abdul to be my life judge, I had hoped she’d provide the self-esteem boost I so desperately needed. I figured some positive judging from her would help me get out of my funk and motivate.

Things started off great. Paula moved right into my home, and right away, her kind judging made me feel better about myself. For instance, when my sons complained that the eggs I made for them were runny, Paula Abdul said they didn’t know what they were talking about.

“Your eggs shine, Christopher,” she said. “I could tell that you gave your all to the eggs, and that’s what I like about you—because you give your all and you shine, just like your eggs shine. Way to go, Christopher! Way to go!”

Nobody had ever told me that I shined before. I felt awesome.

“Thanks, Paula Abdul,” I said. “That means a lot.”

“My pleasure,” she replied. “You have any donuts?”


Friday, March 16, 2007

Reruns week

So... Jack's got a new sister, Claire, and a new bunch of friends. In 24, no one is worried about the bomb threat. And at Seattle Grace, while Alex is the rugged man with feelings, it's Georgie who keeps getting all the ladies.

In a slow week when everytime you look for something to watch you're faced with disappointing reruns, and Sanjaya keeps getting voted enough, the best thing to do is probably grab a book. October Road, at least, looked like a promising show. Sorta overused plot, but still, clichets have a way of surviving through time just because they actually work. Well, sometimes.

Even Rome, one of the most consistent returning seasons so far, is going through a lighter path lately. Really, how many people have Pullo stabbed so far? Can't remember of anyone besides the F***ING GREAT (but short) BATTLE at Vorenus' place.

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

24 days

What's going on with this season of 24. First, they went from the very eventful "this shit's gonna happen WITHIN THE F*ING HOUR!" to the very slow-paced "maybe sumthin's gonna happen in a couple of hours, we're not sure, but it might..." Now they even got some time to take a crap, ride around the block to get some whisky, or call some friends in Canada and discuss last night episode of Heroes.

And the chinese prison really damaged Jack. I mean, you must be an idiot if you think you can take over the consulate, release your prisoner, and walk away through the front door. I'm glad they arrested him, he was asking for it. Now they should ship him to Siberia and make him work on the Road of Bones. They can bring back Kim next season to take his place... Or maybe his nephew, who was put through the same nazi family bullshit as his uncle Jack. That must be enough for a disturbed youth!

Monday, March 5, 2007

No one is smarter than a 5th grader

The funniest game show in years, Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader really puts your mind to the question: is the educational system degrading on its higher levels, or it's just that adults get dumber with time?

Sure, we can blame the lack of use for some particular subjects, like tricky Astronomy. But when you freeze trying to count the number of E's in a particular expression, really, dude, excuse yourself and drown your head on the next toilet, please. Where do they find these people, really? Is Tivo dumbing America, or they just give homeless people a shower and some nice clothes, and slap'em on the middle of the set with promises of fame and fortune?

At least there's the kids to save the day. From geeky Jacob to attention-seeker Alana and almost-too-cool-for-school Spencer, they're not only the best part of the show, but a nice daydream of how your own kid should be. Kudos to the parents. I just wonder if they'll have time to continue their studies being part of a daily show. Maybe they'll just stick to 5th grade and specialize themselves in it...

This time it's for real

First of all, let me apologize in advance for any slips with my English. I'm a 24 y/o brazilian living in Rio de Janeiro, and even though I've studied the american language for a long time, I'm still not used to writing in it - just for the sake of writing, at least.

But this is a blog about TV, not about me, or speaking a foreign language. And since the torrent revolution, time and distance aren't problems anymore if you wanna follow Lost without having to deal with the 2-week subtitling/dubbing delay.

And I do watch a lot of TV. Most of it really pisses me off. What doesn't, eventually will. And I'm not one for standing through six hours of 24 without a single bomb goin' off, and keep my mouth shut about it.

Friday, March 2, 2007

I love TV

And I hate it so very badly...